Tuesday, May 26, 2015

A Tragic Alaskan Love Story - Kardinal & Barbie




Prologue


My name is Rudy. Many of you know me as KardinaL_84 on the forums.  I have a confession to make.  I type this sitting in a small room with all of the lights shut off.  Depressed beyond belief, I agonize over what should have been heaven on earth this weekend.  Instead of heaven, I ended up in hell. Fortunately during Alaska Summers, the small room isn’t dark and dreary with the long daylight hours...but my soul is.


I’ve heard “it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”  I used to think, “Well duh!.”  But today I type with a heavy heart reconsidering that and now I know why its actually a well known statement.  I am starting to think the pain is too much to go through something like this again.


So here’s my story…details the best I remember.  99% non-fiction...well let's say most, at least 51%...


ACT I: In the beginning...


So the story really starts a few weeks ago.  reading through one of my kayak forms, I see that they have a “Barbie rod classic.”  Ahhh...Barbie.  I had sort of met her once through people who knew her ex, “Snoopy”, the namesake of the Snoopy Rod Classic in Western Washington.  I recall walking by her thinking “Wow...she is PURDY!” Then I swore I heard her say in a slightly drunken but sexy voice “That Ken is so passe.” “YES he is!  But I’m NOT!”  I thought in my head...


Years go by, and as I was walking through a sporting good store here in town...THERE SHE WAS!.  Hot dang!!!!!  I stand next to her sneaking glances hoping nobody would notice.  It’d be SUPER embarrassing if any of my friends knew I was trying to make a really bold move.


I reach out and touch her.  I swear, though my memory is hazy, I hear  “Hey!  Mr Fisherman! Long time no see!  Take me fishing!”  


Are you kidding?!?!?!  Heck ya!!!!  Quickly go through the formalities, a little embarrassed to be seen with such a beautiful item...at least I thought so.   The cashier looks at me like I am nuts as I walk out with her in my arm. I can’t wait to take her home and “unwrap” her!!!!!.  I fumble around.  Dang this is harder than taking a bra off a gal for the first time!  They sure make these dang outer packaging hard to remove. I slowly examine her and say out loud “Sweetie, I have to change your line out to 20lbs powerpro.  Its ok, its allowed by the rules at some of the better known tournament hangouts.”  


I usually don’t take strangers out fishing.  especially ones I want to impress.  Fishing is always fun.  But catching is never guaranteed.  My kids are overseas in Japan.  My girlfriend takes off to New York on one days notice saying something like I’ll be back in 5 weeks.  Last time that 5 weeks turned into 5 months. Haven’t gotten a call from her in over a week.   Hmmmm...something not right. Too bad for her, she should know that "Hard times and idle hands are the devil's workshop…."


C’mon Babe..errr Barbie!  Let’s go fish!!!


Act II - Prepare to fish!!!!


It’s Saturday of Memorial weekend.  I’m so excited I can’t sleep Friday night and I drive down to Whiskey Gulch getting there at about 4am.  Sleep a few hours and it’s time to hit the water!!!!


Barbie is looking F-I-N-E,  FINE!!!!.  She feels SO good to the touch. Not like any of the others I take fishing with me.  That shine,  light weight.  The perfect feel in my hands.  She has that sort of inexpensive but super HOT look.  At $14.99 not only is she a hoot to fish with, she is WAY cheaper of a date than my other fav gal, Avet.  

Unlike with Avet, I know fishing with Barbie, I am at a major disadvantage...or so I thought.  I didn’t want to stress her with a flasher so she gets paired with a 2oz sinker and green label herring.  


Being Memorial Weekend, the boats are out in force.  You can see they are hooking up pretty consistently.  I fish with Barbie, but maneuver around with Barbie tucked under my arm hoping nobody notices her.  I know these fisherman can be cruel.  They’d laugh at me for fishing with her, but as soon as they saw what she can do.  If they knew what she has on the INSIDE as well as the ultra hot exterior...they’d try to steal her away in a heart beat.   


So I slowly let line out.  Barbie is a little shorter than my type.  I typically like them about 6ft.  Barbie was only 30 inches.  A serious disadvantage.


Oh, wait.  No wonder I am still single.  Where are my manners?? I haven’t yet introduced you to Barbie.  So here she is.  Tell me you don’t have some immature thoughts of just grabbing her while fishing!  I think I am in LOVE!!!





ACT III - The Courtship, Marriage, and Honeymoon.


Finally the fishing!!!! Never having tried without a flasher, I really didn’t know what to expect.  But in less than an hour, I am hooked up to my first king thanks to Barbie!!! Ya baby!!!!!!


Barbie has the perfect balance of flex and backbone.  You don’t expect much drag but her voice gives me goose bumps when the fish is peeling out line!  Such a turn on!!!!


Next I manage a tiny halibut I release.  Hmm.  Barbie might be able to handle this fishing.  I thought maybe a king was possible but halibut?  


But before we can find out, Barbie is putting the hurt to her second king!! SEXY!!!  Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about things like this without really knowing for sure.  But am I the only one that just gets TURNED ON when Barbie, Avet and the like start singing as the fish starts peeling away!  HEAVEN!!!!!


Two kings and a halibut for Barbie in the first few hours!  I am in LOVE!!!!  But it’s rainy and I had driven all night without sleep.  I am tired.  It’s been a great day! “Hey Barbie, let’s go in.”  I swear she is a pretty and fun gal with a fish on, but just then I swear, I swear I saw images of Lucifer behind her eyes.  She glares and just continues to fish. Moments later.. FISH ON!!!  I wasn’t looking at her, but I hear “I told ya so…”


This time its a ten pound halibut.  Wow.  Great battle.  All I could think of was “What are we going to do with a twenty pounder?!?!?!


But Barbie isn’t done.  As we finally head in, she scores her third king!!! Are you kidding me?!?!?!  One of my best King days ever and all with Barbie!!!!!


I take her to Kenai to meet my parents.  Give her a nice clean shower.  Replace line since I had broken off once on the bottom.  But 3 for 3 on Kings.  2 for 2 on halibut.  THAT is what you call the perfect companion.   


In my dreams, I marry her.  Heck ya!!! Where are you going to find a gal that can go 5 for 5 on kings and butts her very first time out on a kayak?!?!?!  Who I ask?  Give me a name!  A perfect 5 for 5?  Definitely a keeper!!!!


So as usual, though a little embarrassing, I did take some gopro footage.  I know the average attention span for viewers is under two minutes, but because I want to really show off Barbie and how she handled these fish, I have a little longer segment for each.





ACT IV : Tragedy & Heartbreak


Day two starts early.  The last time I glanced at the clock last night, it was midnight.  I wanted to get up early but Barbie, err, my new wife had just worn me out.  I am on the water after lunch and the water is much flatter!  Excitement slowly bleeds out into desperation as hours pass without as much as a strike from an Irish Lord. 
Is it just me or does it happen to others (though maybe not this quickly) where that euphoric feeling of love seems to dissipate immediately following marriage?!?!?! No?  ok, at any rate….


After 5 hours on the water and minimal sleep, I am beat.  No mas.  “Barbie, let’s head in!” I say.  “What you are giving up?” she says with a glare that I can only describe as chilling.  "We haven't even gotten a decent strike!" she cries out almost audibly.


Out in front of the parking lot, a powerboat hooks up.  Then another!  I don’t even recall how it happened but I swear Barbie just started fishing virtually by herself!  Just as we hear  the boat ahead say “it’s a dandy halibut!”  Barbie bends over and starts to sing!  Yah baby!!!!  After a great battle up comes a ten pound halibut.  I am starting to think these ten pounders are about the upper limit for Barbie.   


Then a few moments later she is hooked up again!!!! It’s another king!  Technical difficulties (i.e. I pushed the wrong button) and I don’t get the footage.  Barbie is a little bit “Hollywood” and she was NOT happy that I missed the shot.  


The furor over missing “the glamour video”  was to portend the beginning of the end of what seemed like the perfect partnership.





I've been tagged out on salmon since last weeks Anchor point Derby so I say “let’s try and get our second halibut.”  Right in front of the launch the rod doubles over and it’s game on!!!  This is a bigger fish.  Halibut for sure. 

This fish, will likely be forever the “Lucifer” to me.  First I glanced to make sure the video is on after fighting it for a bit after the last episode with a missed shot.  I notice the battery is on one bar.  Dang it!  I turn it off knowing this battle is going to go one for a while longer and I needed to get the kill shot.  In retrospect, it was stupid.  Nobody would ever believe a non continuous video of what would end up being a monster of a fish.


Maybe after 10 minutes, I see color.  20 or 25 pound maybe??? as I peer into the water.  The shape just keeps getting bigger and bigger.  My initial reaction was “It’s bigger than my Kodiak 105 lbs halibut!!!!!”  Ok, maybe I was excited.  But it was at least 75 pounds. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????


I slowly work it within harpoon range and I hit it. I can feel the harpoon go all the way through.  Game over for the fish...uhh...so I thought.  The fish takes the A0 buoy down for about 30 seconds.  Then it pops up,  I start reeling to get the buoy and the fish decides to take off.  It is just ripping out drag.  YEEHAW!!!!  That buoy will slow it down!  


I glance over my shoulder and I see the buoy just floating there. I look at my reel as line peels off.  I glance back at the still buoy.  “Oh Oh...this isn’t good.” Better look one more time.  Yup. Buoy is not going anywhere. And a few seconds later I am spooled and the fish is gone!


“what happened” plus a few expletives later, I am just crushed.  To go from 100% elation thinking you had accomplished something maybe no one else had ever accomplished and lost it do to PURE stupidity.  I seriously am ill thinking about it.


I can still hear Barbie just screaming at me.

“I saw you post on the forums that you have NEVER lost a halibut with a harpoon.”  

“I did all the hard work and got the fish to the kayak only for you to screw it up!”  

“No wonder why everyone I know refers to you behind your back as the “Effin Rudy”.

“LOSER!”


Then the words that made me consider giving up fishing….”I WANT A DIVORCE!”


NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And a quickly as I was on top of the world...I found myself in fishing hell.


Sorry for the mild profanity in the video...I guess you can say it on tv and it’s a thing of beauty to hear Barbie sing.  Had to keep it unedited at that point.  



Epilogue


So what went wrong?  I can’t say for sure but I think this is what happened.  After playing with the harpoon, I was thinking my new golf club handle shaft was too light for good penetration.  So I grab my commercial harpoon and put the tip on...uh...TRIED to put the tip on.  


EFFIN WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT OVER!!!!!!!!!!!! It doesn’t fit on to the harpoon shaft!  


I grab my golf club and it barely fits over the very tip of the shaft.  So when I pushed the harpoon tip with a little force, it wedged onto the shaft.  I bet I pulled the harpoon head part way back into the fish and it finally separated when the flesh caught the edges.  The buoy was down for thirty seconds.  It must have ripped it open during that time.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?


I didn’t check it as I thought they were all standard size and I am sure I have bought Danielson ones before.   I almost want to check and see if they switched sizes.  


So I am crushed.  Brief flashes of “I am done with this fishing thing!” entered my mind but quickly dissipated.


Barbie is gone, the divorce was painful but  that’s ok.  She was getting a little tired and weary after delivering 4 kings and three chickens PLUS battling a monster halibut.  Anti-reverse was half shot. She was already rusting after two days. Two days of a wicked good time, but by the end of Sunday, she was definitely a lot worse for wear.


One of the commenters on facebook suggested that the reason I lost the fish was the Big halibut are all female so a majority would probably prefer getting caught by Ken.. rather than Barbie.  Hmmm...Can’t say I have ever seen a Ken rod.  But like Barbie said “He is so Passe”  I may go look for a Snoopy rod to entice the big butts!!!!


I still feel ill.  But I also should point out that I am absolutely disgusted with hitting the big halibut with a harpoon and due to my failure likely wasted a very nice fish.  I’m sure folks have shot a halibut off the leader or done other crazy thing.  But really, had I known this was going to be the outcome, I’d rather NOT have hooked it.  

So what does this episode definitively prove? Conventional wisdom is WRONG! It is better to NOT have loved at all than to have loved and lost...This feeling sucks!!!!

Ok...enough...I gotta go throw up…..

Then I'm going fishing!!!!! Who is in!!!!

4 comments:

Flattimaster said...

So I just wasted 10 minutes reading this story - and I loved every minute of it! Great Job Rudy. Keep them coming.

Arvie Wilson said...

it was a nice story and I enjoyed reading it..
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monalizaa said...

can't wait another story from yours and I enjoyed reading your post
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